My Advice for Separated Parents - Co-parenting Tips
When my son's father and I decided to have him years ago, I never imagined we would be living apart.
My son shares his time between our households and as far as I can tell, things are going as well as they can be. To add some extra *spice* to our co-parenting experience, we have also been doing this through a global pandemic.
Ultimately what it comes down to is every decision and choice we make puts our son first no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it can make us feel. We are the adults here and my son is in this situation through no fault of his own.
Here are some things we do to help us co-parent successfully.
1. Custody is as close to 50/50 as possible
I absolutely want to have my son all the time but I also understand that it is BEST for him to see both of his parents equally. It would have been selfish of me to pursue otherwise. We have a set schedule that allows my son to see his parents equally and frequently.
2. The schedule is flexible.
If his dad asks me to switch days, I always say yes if I can. The reality is that somedays I need a switch too. If I feel like I'm being taken advantage of I will usually say "It seems the current schedule is not working for you. Do we need to change it?". We also frequently adjust for birthdays or other special events as we can.
3. We live close to each other
I know that this is not always possible, but if you can, it's great! Living closely removes any stress that comes from forgetting snow pants, favourite toys, or anything for school. Whatever was forgotten is only a 5 min drive away.
4. Our son never witnesses a disagreement
Disagreements are unavoidable in any parenting situation - even you are still together. No one benefits from having a child witness an argument. Problems are only discussed after bedtime.
5. All major decisions are made together
When it comes to healthcare, schooling, potty training, etc., we always discuss the plan together. I'll be honest, we do not always agree and these conversations are sometimes difficult. However, once the decision is made, it is made. If it didn't go your way, move on!
6. Do not worry about what happens at the other house
This was a big one for me to get over, especially in the early days. I used to worry about what time he went to bed, if he brushed his teeth, and if he was being taught the same values. If you are struggling with this please LET IT GO. If my son comes back to me bathed, fed and happy, why am I worrying about anything else? Kids are very resilient and my sons knows what the rules are here.
7. Holidays, appointments and special events are attended together
We trick-or-treat, celebrate his birthday, go to swimming, go to the dentist and attend friends' birthday parties together (just some examples). Awkward and annoying, sometimes yes. Best for my child, a more important, yes.
Our families (my sons uncles, aunts, grandparents) also get to participate if they choose. They may not feel comfortable and that is not our son's problem.
8. We try to be understanding
At the end of the day, we both need to communicate and have empathy. I will let my son's father know if I am struggling or if I think changes are needed to schedules or habits. He does the same (as far as I know haha). Disagreements happen and we move on. Changes are made and we go forward.
Parenting is hard enough. Don't make it harder.